23 Dec Your trespasses will be forgiven if you forgive those who trespass against you! by Chuck Negron
THE DEAL …
Your trespasses will be forgiven if you forgive those who trespass against you!
I don’t believe it’s our nature as addicts to do all the daily work necessary to keep spiritually fit unless we are desperate. When things are going well, most people feel that if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. For an addict, though, we must always stay in touch with our disease and remain close to the program. Sadly, many of us forget.
LIFE SHOWS UP!
In August 2019, I had just completed sixty concerts across the US as the Happy Together Tour spanned from May through August. The day following the last tour performance, my girlfriend (now wife!), Ami Albea, and I flew to Chicago to support my daughter Annabelle’s rite of passage as she moved from home into the dorms DePaul University in Chicago to begin her freshman year. After spending a few days with her, it was time to leave and come to terms with the reality that my little girl wasn’t coming home with me! That thought, along with my exhaustion from the tour, left me vulnerable.
During the flight back home to Los Angeles, some concerns and fears began to infiltrate my thoughts. By the time we were over Denver, I was experiencing a full-on emotional assault stimulated by one recurring thought:
Had I been a good father and given Annabelle the tools she would need to face the world alone,
or had I failed her?
I became inconsolable and truly didn’t understand what was happening to me. Gradually, it came to light that I was not only weeping for Annabelle but her four siblings as I began reliving my failures as both a parent and a human being.
After a few weeks at home, I was able to shake off the despair, and life returned to normal. I instinctively knew my emotional distress level might be related to some incomplete Step Work and my belief that I could not honestly ask for forgiveness for my wrongs when I was unwilling to forgive someone who had harmed me. Plus, I didn’t believe that I should be forgiven!
The fall and winter months went well as Ami, Annabelle, and I were planning our wedding, and Annabelle made the Dean’s List.
UNPREPARED
Early in 2020, information began emerging of a virus coming from China and the possibility of a quarantine. Since that initial announcement, my wife and I have been quarantined for almost seven months!
I was aware of the potential consequences of prolonged isolation. Still, despite that knowledge, I was not prepared for the effects on my psyche having to live without singing and performing. All of my appearances were canceled, including the 2020 Happy Together Tour, which will not be rescheduled until 2021 at the earliest. Ami and I were forced to cancel our initial wedding plans and recreate it on our balcony with the minister on the street below.
It wasn’t only the loss of income and cancellation of our wedding that brought on most of the fear and depression, but also the absence of the spiritual connection I experience when I’m singing and performing! The absence of this emotional and pure encounter each night would magnify some underlying issues I had put off.
We all have demons hidden away and others we wear on our sleeves. One day, these spirits may demand more acknowledgment and power, especially when we’re confronted with a drastic and uncomfortable change in our lives.
SPIRITUAL NECESSITY
Before I enter the stage, a calm comes over me—a completely relaxed state that is only interrupted by a comforting excitement. This is a true gift for one who is dyslexic, ADD, and a Gemini whose mind has a mind of its own. This is the only time of day God is in control, and I turn my will and my life over to THE GIFT bestowed on me, and I am free from the bondage of self. Something wonderful happens when I perform. A merging of my heart and mind reveals a balance, a powerful calm, and clarity that is intoxicating. In those moments, I am the best man I can be.
The absence of these spiritual moments again brought to light some weaknesses in my program and the necessity for me to complete a thorough Eighth Step, making amends and finally forgiving my two hold outs whom I now despise and, hopefully, forgiving myself in the process.
As some of you know, on 9/17/91, a miracle happened—a gift from God—when the magic of CRI-Help saved me from the relentless obsession for drugs, as well as the physical and mental torment that had owned me for almost 25 years. My gratitude was such that it would divert many of the difficulties I would face during my initial years of being clean. I was on fire with recovery and being alive again!
After concluding the first Seven Steps, I moved forward with Step Eight:
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I made this list without regard for forgiving myself for the possibility of being forgiven by my children, family, friends, and business associates were more than I could ever imagine!
Like an insidious malignancy, two old resentments resurfaced, slowly eating away at me, making me sicker and sicker. Over the years, I had gathered many tools to aid me in my recovery, so the resentments that were making me sick weren’t apparent for quite some time until this crisis of consciousness occurred on the flight from Chicago to Los Angeles.
LET THE HEALING BEGIN!
Along with reading Step Eight in The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions for Alcoholics Anonymous, I also began reading Sermon On The Mount by Emmet Fox. I specifically focused on the chapter about breaking down—Forgive Us Our Trespasses, As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us—to aid me in this journey of forgiveness further.
My heart is softening as I trudge through this vital task. Understanding my part in these volatile matters has been helpful. Some of my resentments are like old companions I’m used to having around because I’m comfortable with anger, disappointment, and blame! However, if I want to survive, I MUST forgive and let go of these defects of my character.
Being a dramatic addict at times, I thought of embellishing and creating a Hollywood ending to my story. Still, I decided I would confess how difficult it’s been to surrender and pardon those who have lived in my head for far too long! With the guidance of those who have covered this ground before, with prayer, and with the fellowship, I am finding some peace.
Utilizing the Twelve Steps is a never-ending process of growing, guiding us through the difficulties of life, and helping us to remain clean. The recovery program rarely fails if you thoroughly follow the course of action explained in the Basic Text!
Remember, if all else fails, help another addict!