01 Sep What Happens After We Get Clean
By Brandon Fernandez (Class of 2013)
When I flew to LA in 2013 – yet another geographic to try and get clean, again – my best friend Dustin told me, “Brandon, you realize wherever you go, you are taking the problem with you.” Obviously, the problem was me.
Here I am, a little over seven years later, and the problem is still me. My obsession(s) today revolve less around drinking and using. In fact, I’d say that for the most part, I’ve been completely relieved of the obsession to drink and use. The promises do come true! The occasional thought of a spliff has crossed my mind, but hey, I am human (and a drug addict).
But, taking the steps doesn’t mean my character defects have disappeared, or that new ones can’t evolve as I grow. What I’ve found is that because I no longer act out drinking and using, my character defects are now the primary causes, and results, of the unmanageability in my life. And even without drugs or alcohol, rest assured, life can very quickly become unmanageable.
Anger, impatience, anxiety, criticism…I find that when I’m not actively working a program of recovery, and life starts happening – and it always does – I am prone to give into my innate character defects. They are there. They are always there. And I think they will always be there. The trick for me is taking the basic guidance I’ve received that has worked for me so far. My experience has shown me that when I start missing any of the key ingredients to my recovery (i.e. stop meditating, stop calling my sponsor, stop working with newcomers, skip attending meetings, stop reading pages 86 & 87 from the Big Book in the morning and evening, stop writing a daily inventory…) then little by little, my character defects start creeping out of hiding. They say this disease is insidious. I understand that now. Not just the rationalizations when we are using, but the mental gymnastics we play to justify our behavior once we get clean. It’s easy to fall prey to our character defects and fool ourselves that we are doing our job because we are still clean. Agreed, every time our head hits the pillow and we’ve got another day clean is a win, but surely spiritual growth requires more of us.
My life today is incredibly different than it was seven years ago. At CRI-Help’s 47th anniversary, Marcus said, “If you asked me what my life could be like, I couldn’t have dreamed it could be this good.” That sentiment resonates deeply with me today.
And all this abundance, the grace I’ve been granted, is all contingent on my maintenance of a spiritual program. Like any other addict, my next drink or drug is only an arm’s reach away. I remember that daily. Everything positive in my life today is a direct result of me getting clean.
And it all started at CRI-Help.